Welcome to my world, where every sizzle, shred, and simmer comes with a side of anxiety. My cooking journey is peppered with peculiar worries and niche fears that I can only hope are relatable, or else I need to up my Lexapro dosage (JK, I'm at the highest my doctor can prescribe). Join me as I shine a light on some of the worries that course through my brain every time I cook.
1. Anyone outside my immediate family eating food I've prepared.
There's something uniquely nerve-wracking about serving food to guests, whether friends, neighbors, or distant relatives. Will they hate it? Will they politely pick at it while secretly longing for takeout? The uncertainty makes me break out in a cold sweat as I watch the outside world consume my food.
Storytime! Last fall, I had an out-of-body experience and offered to make lemon risotto for dinner on our annual girls' trip. Who was that person who made this offer because it wasn't me. What was I thinking? I've successfully made the risotto many times but hadn't practiced doubling the batch for a larger group. Preparing it took much longer because the risotto was not quite cooked, and I was sweaty because I knew everyone was getting hungry and that they probably hated me. So I just served it up. And it was slightly underdone. GAH!
Also, I realized my friend was on keto, so the creamy risotto with homemade bread probably set her back like a month. I was mortified and assumed everyone thought I was a fraud. So fun!
2. Anyone IN my immediate family eating food I've prepared.
It only takes one time for an immediate family member to literally spit my food into the garbage for me to be officially scarred by it. And now other members think this is acceptable behavior. Neat! My group of people is very comfortable sharing their opinions with me, so I've had to build up my resilience as they share their inevitable feedback every night. I try my best to serve unprocessed food that will come sans commentary, fill our bellies, and ease us into our nightly routine, but sometimes my creations come with a side of "I'm not eating this" or "I'll just eat the rolls." Feels great.
On the flip side, when I nail it, I feel pretty unstoppable. Then I take that false confidence into the next day and usually flop. What a fun rollercoaster!
3. A cheese grater will shred my fingers right off.
It's in our home, and I will not use it. It requires undivided attention, and I'm not super good at that. A week into summer break last year, I took my eyes off the grater for a nanosecond to admire my children playing together instead of screaming at each other for the first time ever, and oops! Caught my pinky in it instead of the block of cheese. The upside was that I got to sit down in the ER waiting room and not listen to my children fight. And while the nurse glued my finger back together, I ordered an electric shredder. Highly recommend.
4. Panic over which burner is actually working.
Ah, Burner Roulette – the saga of guessing which burner is actually working. Will the front right turn red in 5 seconds like I want, or will the back right leave me stranded mid-cook? The suspense is almost too much to bear.
4. A plate will explode if it's close to a hot stovetop.
Many years ago, I accidentally put a plate on an electric burner that was unknowingly on (see above point), and it literally burst into the air. It was enough to create a core memory and permanent anxiety. Fast forward to current times, my husband will brazenly put a plate ON THE STOVE while something else is cooking. Actually, what?! I imagine that plate meeting its fiery, explosive demise, and I must move it. Call it superstition or kitchen karma – I'm not taking any chances.
7. I don't make enough food for dinner.
If my family says they want more of anything I've cooked, my brain is doing flips. But when the realization strikes that we've eaten it all, I imagine my child wasting away from starvation, and I pretty much hate myself for not making enough food. But don't worry, I'll make more the next time, and they'll probably hate it. Fun!
8. I share things I cook on IG, and people will be like how did you not already know that?
The internet is scary, but for some reason, that hasn't stopped me from posting reels on IG (find me at @simply_unprocessed). My own delusion for sure, but this is a big step for someone who majorly cringes at the sound of her own voice and experiences imposter syndrome. I share simple and tasty meals that I fear the internet won't care about because they've roasted a chicken for years, and this is old news, girl.
9. When my husband offers to go grocery shopping, and I haven't thought through our meals for the week.
Ah, the sweet gesture of a partner offering to tackle the grocery shopping – until you realize you haven't even thought about what to cook for the week. Cue the THOUGHT of frantic meal planning, the hasty recipe searches, and the inevitable last-minute additions to the shopping list. Anxiety washes over me until I inevitably decide not to bother, I send him on his way and hope for the best. An early morning spiral is a great way to start the day.
10. When my children are within 1,000 feet of an open oven door or a pot of boiling water.
Probably not niche, but I announce at loud-speaker volume with arms out wide: "I'M OPENING THE OVEN EVERYONE STAND BACK!" I'm not sure how many children have actually fallen into the oven before, but it seems entirely plausible. And don't get me started with boiling water for obvious reasons.
Despite my niche anxieties, I get back in there (most days), and I'm better for it. So here's to embracing the quirks, facing the fears, and cooking up a storm – one deliciously anxious dish at a time.
I'm sure I'm not alone in my kitchen neuroses. Right? RIGHT?! What niche anxieties would you add?? Please share so I don't spiral :-)